WARNING: This story is really boring. I suggest you read it before downloading porn. This way, the anticipation built up in your loins will be associated with my writing. I’m good at working my audience. I just did the “shifty eyes” thing. Like McGruff. You know what I’m talking about.
Friday night.
I get home from work and find The Roommate sitting on the couch. He was on the phone with a gentleman whom we are thinking of letting move in. He tells the guy what he does, “I work at Telemundo.”
Floating like a butterfly, I say, “Tell him I’m an Irish boxer.”
This is how we know Faelan will not be successful tonight.
To the phone, “He’s an Irish writer.”
Great, now the dude’s gonna think I’m James Joyce or a pussy. Likely the latter.
He gets off the phone and tells me he’s off to have dinner with someone, so I’m not sure I’ll even go downtown like I planned. I need a babysitter, you see… Thinking I’ll stay in, I proceed to slam 5 Heinekens in about the space of an hour.
I figure what the hell, and, not having showered in two days, threw on a track jacket to mask any unpleasant odors and hopped in my rawkken Ford Focus; chirped it all the way to Fort Lauderdale. Actually, I bought a pull-me-over sized Heineken keg can for the road, so I took it pretty slow.
As I was on my way… Oh, fuck. Wait a minute. Back up. I forgot to explain how I’m a loser. You see, I was supposed to meet this beautiful French girl from work downtown. Yeah, she has a boyfriend, but hot chics have hot friends. So I decide to meet them without soaping down. So there it is, that was the plan.
So, barely on the road, another girl calls me. Also hot, and a friend. I get a text, “What are you doing tonight?”
Me: “Heading downtown. Need a wingman, down?”
Call: “Me and my roommate are going to a lingerie party and then downtown. Come with us?”
Small? Maybe.
But I do HAVE a penis.
“Um, yes,” I say.
So I’ve now sold out a French girl for the millionth time. I arrive at “Asian’s” house, and she answers the door in a fucking towel. She ran out of her place after taking a shower. I swear to god I’m not making this shit up. So she shows me around (pool and the like) and then back to her apartment. She goes to get dressed and the smoking hot roommate offers me a drink.
Error.
I downed it pretty fucking fast. We leave and go maybe 3 minutes down the street. Sweet. I walk in and there are near-naked women all over the place. Amazing. Chodes up the ass though. Nearly every dude there had bulging muscles and a shaved head. I had greasy hair and dirty boxers. I quickly realized all I would get out of this was free booze.
Finding the “bar,” I helped myself. I had some trouble locating mixers, so while I searched I chugged from a Smirnoff bottle. With no other options, I mixed some warm, flat diet cola with vodka. Fucking gross.
Asian and her roommate led the way downstairs. So we go into the garage and there’s a cluster of people. By people, I mean one slut and a lot of drooling guys. We join them and the girl continues droning. Bulging eyes, hair tossing, enough OMGs and “likes” to make my kid sister sick.
Eventually, she asks a question trying to validate herself.
My head dropped as she looked at me, I stared in my cup and sighed: “Uuuuugh,” and walked away. I was so bored that was my answer. Usually I’m more tactful but in my opinion, that was the most brilliant answer ever.
I feel sad leaving my friend and her roommate back there but I’m better than those people. In fact, I thought, I’m so much better than these assholes, I’m leaving.
-
It was dark.
And hard.
Inviting and forbidden.
But he was gentle with me…
Naw, I’m kidding hehe.
Like in a dream, I hear, “Your boy’s in the bushes.”
Someone pulls me to my feet.
Asian says, “We’re leaving.”
“Really? What time is it?”
“11:30.”
“Oh.” I proved my superiority by taking up residence in the hedgerow. Take that you fratkid motherfuckers. I stumbled as the two gorgeous women led me back to the car.
The top was down and the wind felt wonderful in my hair. I was getting my second wind. Woohoo! Time to party!!
What’s this? Why are we back at Asian’s place?
“Get out Faelan.”
I manage.
Her roommate leads the way into the building. I turn around and see Asian still in her car. The car’s running. I’m confused and kinda point a crooked finger at the car and gurgle some sounds that are supposed to ask the roommate why Asian isn’t coming. But I was completely intimidated by the large iron gate that hit me in the face, so I just shut up.
Then, it hit me.
This chic is gonna fuck me. She led me in the apartment.
She didn’t turn the lights on.
The door slammed behind us (one of the spring-loaded ones).
Wow. I’m fucking cool.
I didn’t even have to do anything.
“Here.” She points to the couch.
Works for me. This is going to be amazing. She told Asian to wait in the car while she brings me in here and to drain every ounce of coolness she can get from me.
I stumble a few steps and she throws a blanket on the couch. I’m not a sexual dynamo, nor am I all that adventurous. And I’ve certainly never thought of blankets as required fucking material.
“What’s that for?” I venture.
“Go to sleep.”
She was out the door so fast I had to hear her final words from outside.
You know when you pull that “Yeaah right” face? Kind of a toss between a scoff and a statement? Well, use your imagination to picture my dumb ass standing in a pitch black apartment pulling that look to no one.
I’m telling you, I stripped down (I always take my pants off when I’m drunk. Always.) and walked to the couch mumbling, “What the fuck? They left me. What am I supposed to do? How am I gonna be drinking now if now they lefted and I’m here and what about the roommate I think she likes me but I need to call French zzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzz.
No joke. I was talking to no one in a dark apartment at approximately 11:45 on a Friday night, having been outclassed as a drinker by two girls.
I definitely woke up lost. I had never seen this apartment before, in daylight at least; only drunk and dark.
I opened my eyes and panicked.
This was easily remedied, however, as I had been kind enough to leave myself a warm beer next to the couch for when I woke. Beer makey Fway happy. I always do that for me. It’s just one of those things.
To let me know I care…
Hugs!
While wiping crusties off my eyes Asian comes out of her room and says, “I’m never hanging out with you again.”
I’d make a great arsonist. I’m good at burning bridges.
I wonder if she was serious.
Bonus:
I had the greater part of the road beer still in the car. While flat, it wasn’t totally warm. So I got that as another little present on the way home. I’m so courteous to me!
When I got home, me and The Roommate went and had Chinese. He’s so dreamy…
Shit was good though. Pei Wei. Nothing like some good cat n’ noodles after a night of hardcore notfucking.
My house smells like fried meat. I was going to take a shower. But, I’m five beers and a vodka-cran deep, so I’m going to whack it and call it a night. Being single is awesome.
I have two hands.
With Betty and Veronica here, it’s like an orgy any time I want.
